Dent Devil – Paintless Dent Repair

Racing has rules and that’s good.  In my view the primary focus of rules should be safety and after that fun and fairness.  Fun and fairness are very closely related as you really won’t have much of one without the other.  But sometimes, you just need to use your head – That’s why it’s called Racing instead of Ruling.

Except for the 12 Hours of the Cascades Enduro, the last time I entered a  International Conference of Sports Car Clubs race (Conference) was 1987.  The reason is that they’re kind of goofy – not the people so much, I really enjoy most of them, but the club / event dynamics are just different from anything I’m used to.  It often starts well, and then one of them comes along and sucks all the fun right out of it, like a chaperon at an all night party – don’t you guys have something better to do?

The beginning: When Kirk Knestis and I showed up for my first Conference race in late summer of 1984 they needed to classify our current IMSA Renault Cup car.  So, we brought all of the required documentation and based upon the weight and listed horsepower it would be placed in I Production (the slowest of the slow, but it would have qualified for J Production, had it existed – it was that slow).  The Tech Steward, of course, declared that a 55 horsepower 1984 Renault Alliance would be H Production (one class faster) because it was a “Pro” car.  Seriously?  They hadn’t even invented crack yet back then…  The conversation that followed nearly got me banned for life – in hindsight, that would have been okay.

Now I know that I’m a bit tightly wound and that I’m not particularly shy about sharing my views – this can be problematic when you have a rigorously vigilant “ruling” class.  But, if I’m at a Conference race it’s because I’m simply trying to have a good time.  There is no pressure at one of these deals – sometimes the racing is fun and the people are mostly awesome.  But, “up one class because of the IMSA sticker?”

Despite the initial experience, for a few years we would occasionally show up at a Conference race.  They raced at Westwood, for example, and that was a spectacular place to be.  Its fun to be able to say that we raced there, Westwood is racing history and it’s one of the neat things that have happened to me that might not have happened without Conference.

But, something weird would always happen.  I’ll never forget the guy that stormed into my pit to admonish me for causing him to shunt himself at the end of the front straight at Westwood.  I was driving a borrowed old formula ford and one of the self proclaimed Conference heroes misjudged his braking trying to follow me through turn one.  We discussed the fact that I was indeed on the racing line and that no I hadn’t blocked him, the issue was… well, I’m not so sure what it was exactly.  The advantage of learning to race in cars with tired old motors is that you get used to not using the brakes so much (in Renault Cup the middle pedal meant a quick and certain relegation to the back of the pack) – this is sometimes confusing to the other guys and they crash.  So, Kirk and I patiently listened to his story about how I had caused his crash and then proceeded to laugh so hard that we nearly pissed ourselves.  I am certain that one of the 135 pages of the Conference rule book addresses that, too.  Chapter 8, Section D, Paragraph 2 “You have dribbled down your leg – START AT THE BACK!!!”

One night at Portland, while sleeping in our tent next to the cars (the tent met the constraints of our lodging budget), we were awakened by a noise.  There was a drunk either sleeping in or trying to steel our race car – we never worked out which, for sure…  I’ve been blatantly “brake checked” twice – yeah, Conference license holders…  Now, I know that stuff like this happens at other places, it’s just that it usually happens to me at Conference races.

I have a lot of very good friends that race now or have a history in Conference – they are all a bit easier going than I am, but I like hanging out and racing with them anyway.  One of my old racing friends, Hal Hilton, was the Chief Steward or Grand Poo-Bah (whatever they call them) recently, and Hal is an extremely smart and fair guy – maybe things have changed there, I hoped.

Because of the approaching endurance racing season and the availability of a car for me to drive, this past weekend was the best opportunity for some seat time and fun in preparation.  This was a chance to pit and hang out with my friend Ted Rees, his father Phil and their families.  They have a great laid back approach and fun attitude that would be nice for a change.  The Miatacage.com enduro car just needed a shake down to make sure all of the systems and a few new parts were working properly.  They’re not.

The car started showing signs of a possible switching / starting problem at Rose Cup – it wouldn’t start hot.  We thought it was a bad connection somewhere and checked and cleaned the usual culprits.  We would chase the worsening problem for the rest of the weekend and eventually get to learn about some special Conference racing rules – here we go again…

For example, while leaving the track after ITA qualifying on Saturday a Tech Steward approached the car and in a rather nasty tone asked “where are your gloves?”  I showed him that I owned some as he barked back at me about leaving them on until I was back inside the paddock.

Understand, the track was in a red flag condition (closed) and I was traveling at about 5 mph.  If I had stopped the car in the hot pits during the session and got out, I surely would not have put a helmet or gloves on to move it back to the paddock after the checkered flag.  Isn’t there really something better to be spending our energy on?  “Captain Rule Book” then rode away on his motorcycle (sans helmet) his shirt flapping around his over the shoulder walkie-talkie holster like a moo-moo worn by a Hawaiian grandmother on a breezy Maui evening.  I wonder if Adolf knows that Portland is a city park and is therefore not exempt from the Oregon motorcycle helmet law..?  This guy is serious Mall Cop material.

Ted, Phil, Roger (Phil’s pit lackey) and pit guru Garth “Crusher” Levin all had to listen to me go on about how it had started all over again with these “Conference guys”.  I mean, it’s like they want you to fail – I imagine them in their trailers at night working out ways to “trick” the new guys.  “Let’s give the 5 minute warning at 8 minutes to go – we can put it at the bottom of the supps and maybe some of them will miss it…”

Ted and I had a great time in practice and qualifying on Saturday.  We drove around playing race car dodge ball with the rest of the kids.  Most of the drivers are pretty attentive, but there are a handful that either don’t have mirrors on their cars or just haven’t worked out the details of how to best utilize them.  Qualifying went well for me.  Ted and I were first and second in ITA and I managed to out-qualify my Miatacage.com team mate / rivals Will Schrader and Gary Bockman for the provisional pole in Spec Miata.

Qualifying on Sunday was uneventful as Garth, Ken Sutherland and I spent most of the morning chasing the electrical problem.  I didn’t improve my times but kept the ITA pole and was bumped to the outside of the front row for SM by Will Schrader.  I was really looking forward to the race with Gary and Will, those guys are gladiators – it would be one hell of a show…

We had come up with a solution to the electrical problem.  The battery was taking a charge and the car was starting afterward.  We would simply keep the car on the charger until it was time to roll up and then we would go to grid, start and race.  This worked well for ITA – the car started and the race was a yawner.  I started on the 3rd row behind several cars in faster classes – I survived the chicane and drove away from everyone behind me – no drama.  Conference allows a crew member to ride in the car on the victory lap – Garth rode with me.  I suppose it’s safer to have somebody besides the driver hold the checkered flag one receives to commemorate a victory.  Garth wasn’t wearing gloves (or helmet, suit, ass in seat, seat belts)… Safety first, Colonel Klink – “ATTENTION SECURITY – THERE IS A SKATEBOARDER NEAR THE ELEVATORS BY VICTORIA’S SECRET…”

Anyhow, we tried to start the car to go to grid for SM and it refused.  So our impromptu plan was to roll up before the five minute warning and let the car run.  There are a couple of options in SCCA to deal with a problematic starter – neither work in Conference.  If you are not on grid by the 5 minute warning (8 minutes before the start of the race, as it turns out) you start at the back.  AND, you cannot bump start the car on the grid – especially after the one minute warning, and double especially if you were in the process of negotiating with the officials regarding the first offense.  “YOU WILL START AT THE BACK!!!”  TIMES TWO!!!

I was in violation of a rule – I get that.  Okay, two rules.  Here’s the thing, Conference makes the outsiders run 3 digit numbers that begin with a 7.  I don’t know or care why, but I do know that this makes it possible for them to easily and immediately identify non-Conference drivers.  They have a rule that they very well know is in conflict with what anybody with a 700 series number on their car is used to.  It’s a simple procedural violation and a matter of a steward’s discretion.  If I were in charge (God forbid), I Would make a point of helping these easily identified ”customers” understand the differences in the rules rather than berate them with snarky remarks, regarding gloves for example, and race ruining penalties – but that’s just me.  The amateur anthropologist in me has come up with a solution to this “Conference Problem” – try something a little bit more predictable, like vodka.

Mike Blaszczak, the steward in question regarding the grid issues, knows  how I feel about this.  We discussed it twice and my parting remark was essentially – I’m not coming back (it was a little bit stronger than that the second time, and I apologize if he was offended by my language).  I’ll probably back off on that eventually, but not very soon unless somebody else is paying the bills.

My pit-mate for the weekend, Ted, had an interesting Sunday, as well.  He had to work his way from the back of the field in the ITA race after a first lap spin and was then taken out along with Chris Heinrich (the CSM points leader) by another dive bombing Miata on the second lap of the race.  Mike, the aforementioned Steward, had declared that event to be a “racing incident” as it was due to brake failure.  I queried him as to whether Conference had any rules about maintaining incidental equipment (like brakes) – he said that those things are ”up to the driver”.  Oki-doki.

These stiff car-prep requirements also shed light on the 5 laps it took to black flag the car with the bar-b-que in its trunk during the ITA race.  The stewards were looking at the car carefully (I could see them as I motioned that maybe something might be wrong…”SHE’S ON FIRE, FRED!!!).  It turns out they were working out whether it was chicken or ribs.  It must have been ribs – the chicken would have taken at least 8 laps.  I have no idea how these guys keep their 5’s and 8’s sorted out…

In the final analysis, I had some fun.  It was great to talk to and meet a lot of the Spec Miata drivers I hadn’t seen for a while.  Importantly, the car came back without a single new mark on it, I’ve got some fun video to share and I confirmed that neither Conference nor I have changed – I’ll take that deal 5,000 (8,000) times.

The thing that finally turned the weekend around for the better is when a group of workers drove by (as we were debriefing with some frosty cold beverages), to say how much they had enjoyed the DFL to 3rd drive (it was a bit more colorful than that).  Those guys get drenched, frozen, sun burnt and risk their lives because they love the sport.  I’ll start from the rear every time if it makes them want to come back.   Other than the time John Bradshaw told me he had just watched me win the best race he’d seen in over 10 years, that’s about the best compliment a guy like me can receive.

It really is all about the show.